I have often wondered at times if I was at all even the slightest bit autistic. I have a brother with autism, and while I love him to death, it has been tough at times, even though he is VERY high functioning (I shudder to think of what would have happened if he was even the slightest bit worse...). I was a very awkward kid, and looking back now, a lot of those bouts of awkwardness can be explained by some of the symptoms of at least asperger's syndrome (having a brother with autism and a high school interest in psychology has made me fairly critical of social situations).
It's probably not, and it's more likely that I'm just some kind of REE-cluse (not rehcluse, as everyone else says) that will end up as a hermit in the woods. Maybe then I can grow out a long Asian goatee and change the lives of anyone brave enough to seek me out... That would be the life.........
One of the things that I notice about my social interactions is that I can only handle eye-contact for a limited amount of time, especially if I'm meeting someone new, and ESPECIALLY during a handshake. I know, I know, it's supposed to be "manlier" if you have a firm grip WHILST maintaining eye contact, but a small part of me is always going to be all like "oh my god what if I miss I would look so embarrassed... Ok, ok, you can do this... grab the hand, good! Now shake it firmly, NOT TOO FIRMLY! Ok, that's over wi- crap...
And no eye contact.
Now, normally that would be it. Normally I can control my want to look away from someone and have a normal conversation and carry on a fairly successful social life (I think). I can be myself (or at least, a filtered version of myself) and have real friends and be perfectly comfortable around people!
*side note* I just had a freudian slip right then when I was typing the word "comfortable." I subconsciously put an "un" prefix to the word. Awkward...........
Anyway, normally I can carry on some decent conversations. Unless one of a couple things happens.
1) I run into someone I dislike
2) I run into someone I find attractive
3) I run into someone I have a crush on
After that, ALL bets are off, and I am reduced to a bumbling idiot. Not only do I go into a hermit shell that I craft from pure aura, I seal it off by constantly looking away from the person and only giving one word answers.
It's a problem.
I also do this thing where if I'm in a one on one situation with someone, I NEVER know how to start conversations. Especially if the people I am with are naturally quiet.
I am a good listener.
ANYWAY
It's not so much that I'm shy, it's the fact that when I perceive of something awkward, I feel the need to try to think of things to fill said silence...
EXCEPT I NEVER SETTLE ON ONE THING
My mind will just be a flurry of motion while I try to think of things to say, and then it gets even more awkward because the other person can TELL that I'm thinking of something to say and obviously failing.
Honestly, I'd try to provide you with a little example of my inner dialogue, but everything is just so scattered that I just can't. I can't even remember half the sheiss that I think.
Yikes.
Well, this is getting a little long, and I've since lost track of what I was going to type, which is frustrating, because I think there was more I was going to say (gag me with a spoon).
So yeah.
BYE!
