Chuck Testa.
Instead I've been sitting on my butt and have gone through two full seasons of Community in about three or four days. I am officially in love.
I have also been doing a lot of thinking. Or at least, I've been thinking about doing a lot of thinking. As I've been watching the show, I've noticed that they all focus on each character individually. One of the things that is NOT present is that feeling of sexual tension (well, at least not that much). Sure you have Jeff hitting on everything that moves, and sure, you get the Jeff/Britta drama, but the show succeeds in really showcasing the characters as individuals, and having the characters grow. As individuals.
This idea is something that has been resonating with me for the past semester or so. I mention in a previous blog post that this semester's been something of a personal one for me. I really feel like I was able to get down and focus on all that academia has to offer.
However, it's not to say that it's been the smoothest of rides... There have been many a Friday night when it seems like everyone around me is getting intimate - everyone that is, but myself.
This is going to be a weird and disjointed segue (I promise it will make sense in the next paragraph), but throughout my life I have been so focused on putting others' needs ahead of mine. I have always been that person that says "oh, no problem!" and drops everything to help someone else. Well, what about my needs? I am still willing and able to help people out, but I now recognize that there are certain things that I have got to tackle on my own.
This especially rings true in terms of dating (see? I told you it would pan out). For a good part of my college career (a.k.a. the past three years), I have been basically pining for a significant other. Of course, everyone around me has been supportive, and been all like "oh, you will find someone - you deserve it!"
But I don't think I do. Not right now.
I don't mean for the previous statement to be depressing at all - I simply mean that at this point in my personal development and social surroundings, I would be quite the disaster in a relationship. I have often heard the following expression: "You'll never share real love until you love yourself." -RENT
Now, as cliche as that might be, it really rings true. I am simply not in the right space right now. Being in rural Indiana, struggling to find my social and national identity, attempting to deal with my body issues - all do not bode well for a potential relationship.
Not that I'm depressed about it. Don't get me wrong. As much as I'd love a relationship, I know that I really need to hash these issues out first. Once I get in the space where I can love myself wholly, and not just in parts, will I then be ready.
I have long since recognized that I build my self esteem from my musical talent. This is perhaps why I was so hurt when I didn't pass my sophomore proficiencies. Once that blow was dealt, I felt like I really didn't have any defining or positive things to like about myself.
This is not how it should be.
I need to be able to look at myself, and accept - nay, embrace, every aspect of me. Whether it be negative or positive, perfect or imperfect. I need to be able to look at myself and see that "Oh, my skin is not as tan as it used to be - and that's OK."
I've been getting a lot better about it, but I still have some moments.
The important thing, however, is that I am continuing to better myself as a person foremost, and as anything else second.
And that's ok.
This idea is something that has been resonating with me for the past semester or so. I mention in a previous blog post that this semester's been something of a personal one for me. I really feel like I was able to get down and focus on all that academia has to offer.
However, it's not to say that it's been the smoothest of rides... There have been many a Friday night when it seems like everyone around me is getting intimate - everyone that is, but myself.
This is going to be a weird and disjointed segue (I promise it will make sense in the next paragraph), but throughout my life I have been so focused on putting others' needs ahead of mine. I have always been that person that says "oh, no problem!" and drops everything to help someone else. Well, what about my needs? I am still willing and able to help people out, but I now recognize that there are certain things that I have got to tackle on my own.
This especially rings true in terms of dating (see? I told you it would pan out). For a good part of my college career (a.k.a. the past three years), I have been basically pining for a significant other. Of course, everyone around me has been supportive, and been all like "oh, you will find someone - you deserve it!"
But I don't think I do. Not right now.
I don't mean for the previous statement to be depressing at all - I simply mean that at this point in my personal development and social surroundings, I would be quite the disaster in a relationship. I have often heard the following expression: "You'll never share real love until you love yourself." -RENT
Now, as cliche as that might be, it really rings true. I am simply not in the right space right now. Being in rural Indiana, struggling to find my social and national identity, attempting to deal with my body issues - all do not bode well for a potential relationship.
Not that I'm depressed about it. Don't get me wrong. As much as I'd love a relationship, I know that I really need to hash these issues out first. Once I get in the space where I can love myself wholly, and not just in parts, will I then be ready.
I have long since recognized that I build my self esteem from my musical talent. This is perhaps why I was so hurt when I didn't pass my sophomore proficiencies. Once that blow was dealt, I felt like I really didn't have any defining or positive things to like about myself.
This is not how it should be.
I need to be able to look at myself, and accept - nay, embrace, every aspect of me. Whether it be negative or positive, perfect or imperfect. I need to be able to look at myself and see that "Oh, my skin is not as tan as it used to be - and that's OK."
I've been getting a lot better about it, but I still have some moments.
The important thing, however, is that I am continuing to better myself as a person foremost, and as anything else second.
And that's ok.
