I thought of him and the L word in the same thought this
morning. What a scary concept. Scary because while we both share mutual
attraction toward each other and have confessed to feeling deeper about one
another, it cannot be. At least for the moment.
I want so badly to be mad at him. I want so badly to shake
him by the shoulders and say “WHY?”
But I won’t. I can’t.
Because his hesitation runs deeper. His hesitation is a
fundamental part of his very being. His hesitation is the reason why he can
have sex with so many men and have it mean nothing.
He is a walking dichotomy.
A dichotomy between living life as a homosexual male and
having a deep love and devotion to an Institution that rejects the very same.
Spiritually, he is so entrenched in his Faith that he cannot envision living in
a meaningful gay relationship.
That is why I can’t yell. That is why pleading or begging or
offering assistance will change nothing.
And it scares me.
It scares me to feel so strongly about a person yet to be so
powerless at the same time. It scares me that there are people out there who
live with such a rift in their own thinking—to be one way while believing in
their heart of hearts that how they
are living is wrong. I’m scared because though he may want to change his world-view, it is a long, arduous journey. I’m
scared because I don’t know how long it will take. I’m scared because I don’t
know if I can wait that long. And at the same time…
I’m scared that there’s nobody else.
He is truly the first person that I have felt comfortable
with. The first person that I can see myself with who I can not feel pressured
by my own mind to change. I’ve lived with shame and self-consciousness about my
body since adolescence. Constantly berated by the media, my peers (in middle
school), my doctors, and even my family about my weight, thinning head-hair and
increasing body-hair. [So much so that in looking over this paragraph I have a
strong urge to delete this paragraph because of the shame I feel when I think
about it.] I have come a long way in my own self-acceptance, but not entirely.
I want so badly for this to happen, but I know that at the
moment it is not meant to be. He told me that his heart is a maze of boxes, all
under lock and key. He’s given me the keys to some, and progress has been made,
but there is still that final hurdle to cross over. That final door behind
which lies his reconciliation, which is so protected that I think not even he has the keys to.
He will have to pick at that lock on his own, while I stand
at the sidelines. Watching. Waiting. Hoping…
Loving?
So is this love? I have only known him for a few months… And
yet at the same time it feels like it’s been years. I feel that I can see
through the front that he puts up that has so many others fooled. I care about
him. I think about him with a tenderness that I have not thought possible in my
own mind. I worry about him… Deeper than I’ve ever really worried about anyone
in the past.
If this is love, I’m in it for the long haul.
But I think I’m ok with that. At least for now.
