It's Love… or is it?

I thought of him and the L word in the same thought this morning. What a scary concept. Scary because while we both share mutual attraction toward each other and have confessed to feeling deeper about one another, it cannot be. At least for the moment.

I want so badly to be mad at him. I want so badly to shake him by the shoulders and say “WHY?”

But I won’t. I can’t.

Because his hesitation runs deeper. His hesitation is a fundamental part of his very being. His hesitation is the reason why he can have sex with so many men and have it mean nothing.

He is a walking dichotomy.

A dichotomy between living life as a homosexual male and having a deep love and devotion to an Institution that rejects the very same. Spiritually, he is so entrenched in his Faith that he cannot envision living in a meaningful gay relationship.

That is why I can’t yell. That is why pleading or begging or offering assistance will change nothing.

And it scares me.

It scares me to feel so strongly about a person yet to be so powerless at the same time. It scares me that there are people out there who live with such a rift in their own thinking—to be one way while believing in their heart of hearts that how they are living is wrong. I’m scared because though he may want to change his world-view, it is a long, arduous journey. I’m scared because I don’t know how long it will take. I’m scared because I don’t know if I can wait that long. And at the same time…

I’m scared that there’s nobody else.

He is truly the first person that I have felt comfortable with. The first person that I can see myself with who I can not feel pressured by my own mind to change. I’ve lived with shame and self-consciousness about my body since adolescence. Constantly berated by the media, my peers (in middle school), my doctors, and even my family about my weight, thinning head-hair and increasing body-hair. [So much so that in looking over this paragraph I have a strong urge to delete this paragraph because of the shame I feel when I think about it.] I have come a long way in my own self-acceptance, but not entirely.

I want so badly for this to happen, but I know that at the moment it is not meant to be. He told me that his heart is a maze of boxes, all under lock and key. He’s given me the keys to some, and progress has been made, but there is still that final hurdle to cross over. That final door behind which lies his reconciliation, which is so protected that I think not even he has the keys to.

He will have to pick at that lock on his own, while I stand at the sidelines. Watching. Waiting. Hoping…

Loving?

So is this love? I have only known him for a few months… And yet at the same time it feels like it’s been years. I feel that I can see through the front that he puts up that has so many others fooled. I care about him. I think about him with a tenderness that I have not thought possible in my own mind. I worry about him… Deeper than I’ve ever really worried about anyone in the past.

If this is love, I’m in it for the long haul.

But I think I’m ok with that. At least for now.

Music and Introspection

My school's semester doesn't start up until the 30th (yeah, J-Term/Winter Term!), so I have been hanging out at home doing a whole lot of not much at all.

It hasn't all been fun and games, though.  I have been able to help out my former youth choir out with their rehearsals.  Sort of a mini-internship, if you will.


They have a program that they're calling OPERAtunities, wherein the organization commissions an opera to be performed entirely by children and adolescents.  Since it's in Hawaii, the operas can range from focusing on old Hawaiian folktales and issues of Hawaiian import.  I was put in charge of introducing and rehearsing the opera to the group.  Luckily it was pretty sightreadable, and enough of the kids remembered me so that I didn't have to create that sense of rapport with them in this short time.

For a while now I have been reflecting a lot on my intent to continue my education and get a Masters in Conducting.  I've been feeling - uninspired.  I've been thinking that I'd be fine with just getting an office job and just doing music on the side.

This has made me rethink that.

The choir meets only a couple of times a week.  Being a part of even just this rehearsal process has been an amazing experience.  I have rehearsed them twice now, and both times I have gone home wanting to just come back and work.  I have something that they haven't looked at before, that I basically have free reign to... and so little time.

It has reminded me of why I love music.

I love everything about it - even the theory of it (to some extent...).  I love the atmospheres that it can create.  I love, as conductor, the ability to introduce a piece of music and to take the singers through the experience.  I love the feeling when they finally get it, and the piece really starts to jive.

I love the collaboration that comes from choirs, and I'm starting to realize exactly what being a conductor means.

It's not enough to simply know the score and stand in front of a group of people and wave your arms.  In fact, it's really not about you at all.

It's about using every part of your musical self - your technique, your interpretations, your hand gestures - to create a warm, intelligent, musical atmosphere that allows your singers to express themselves to the best of their abilities.  You are there to provide guidance and direction from the chaos.  You are not the emperor - you are the catalyst.

I haven't felt this in a very long time.  To leave from rehearsal wanting only to come back and rehearse some more.  To make sure my singers are healthy and happy and loving every minute of it.

This is why I conduct.

Community and the Self

Ah, finals week.  The magical (or devilish) week that can make or break a person's grade.  I am fortunate enough to have only one of those dreaded things... So what do I do with my time?  Do I finish reading Shakespeare's A Winter's Tale because I was supposed to for class?  Do I look over my notes on Stephen Greenblatt and the critical theories and readings behind good ol' Bill Shakespeare's works?

Chuck Testa.

Instead I've been sitting on my butt and have gone through two full seasons of Community in about three or four days.  I am officially in love.

I have also been doing a lot of thinking.  Or at least, I've been thinking about doing a lot of thinking.  As I've been watching the show, I've noticed that they all focus on each character individually.  One of the things that is NOT present is that feeling of sexual tension (well, at least not that much).  Sure you have Jeff hitting on everything that moves, and sure, you get the Jeff/Britta drama, but the show succeeds in really showcasing the characters as individuals, and having the characters grow.  As individuals.

This idea is something that has been resonating with me for the past semester or so.  I mention in a previous blog post that this semester's been something of a personal one for me.  I really feel like I was able to get down and focus on all that academia has to offer.

However, it's not to say that it's been the smoothest of rides... There have been many a Friday night when it seems like everyone around me is getting intimate - everyone that is, but myself.

This is going to be a weird and disjointed segue (I promise it will make sense in the next paragraph), but throughout my life I have been so focused on putting others' needs ahead of mine.  I have always been that person that says "oh, no problem!" and drops everything to help someone else.  Well, what about my needs?  I am still willing and able to help people out, but I now recognize that there are certain things that I have got to tackle on my own.

This especially rings true in terms of dating (see?  I told you it would pan out).  For a good part of my college career (a.k.a. the past three years), I have been basically pining for a significant other.  Of course, everyone around me has been supportive, and been all like "oh, you will find someone - you deserve it!"

But I don't think I do.  Not right now.

I don't mean for the previous statement to be depressing at all - I simply mean that at this point in my personal development and social surroundings, I would be quite the disaster in a relationship.  I have often heard the following expression: "You'll never share real love until you love yourself." -RENT

Now, as cliche as that might be, it really rings true.  I am simply not in the right space right now.  Being in rural Indiana, struggling to find my social and national identity, attempting to deal with my body issues - all do not bode well for a potential relationship.

Not that I'm depressed about it.  Don't get me wrong.  As much as I'd love a relationship, I know that I really need to hash these issues out first.  Once I get in the space where I can love myself wholly, and not just in parts, will I then be ready.

I have long since recognized that I build my self esteem from my musical talent.  This is perhaps why I was so hurt when I didn't pass my sophomore proficiencies.  Once that blow was dealt, I felt like I really didn't have any defining or positive things to like about myself.

This is not how it should be.

I need to be able to look at myself, and accept - nay, embrace, every aspect of me.  Whether it be negative or positive, perfect or imperfect.  I need to be able to look at myself and see that "Oh, my skin is not as tan as it used to be - and that's OK."

I've been getting a lot better about it, but I still have some moments.

The important thing, however, is that I am continuing to better myself as a person foremost, and as anything else second.

And that's ok.

Stuck

is how I feel.

Oh, hi by the way.  Long time no see.  Guess this thing has just kind of fallen by the wayside.  But let's change that!

Forewarning, this is going to be kind of a stream-of-consciousness type deal.  So yeah.

This semester's almost over, and I just kind of feel stuck.  There are so many things that I want to do, yet don't have the time to do so.  I have lots of work that I am trying to do, on top of grad school apps (please note that I'm not complaining, I'm actually quite proud of myself for handling this much work in such a good way)... And I'm just kind of frustrated by a lot of things.

First, my voice.  I got this cold, bug, sickness, whatever you want to call it the Thursday before last, and it still has little tendrils of sickness that's just kinda hanging around my lungs.  It got to the point that I couldn't say two sentences without hacking up half a lung.  And the thing was, these were DRY coughs... It wasn't even a productive half a lung.

It basically ruined my voice for a week.  And let me tell you - never have I wanted to practice and sing more than when my voice was in a shambles.  It's luckily getting better now, but with juries coming up and a performance where I have to sing loud and high, let's just say my voice better be in shape or I'm gonna cut someone.

I've also kind of been at a loss socially.  Yes, I have been taking more of a 'personal' semester.  And let me say this right off the bad - I ADORE the people that I have been hanging out with on a regular basis.  I'm just kind of frustrated because I see all of these people who I really want to hang out with, or haven't hung out with in a long time and I just don't have the TIME to hang out with them... And it seems like I'm always hanging out with the same people.  That was a lot of "hanging outs" and "hung outs" in a short span of time.  But whatever.  You guys can deal with that.

I'm just worried that my relationships with others are languishing because I'm being complacent... I'm comfortable in my groove, and my actions aren't necessarily indicative that I want to change.  But I really do.

There's just so much I want to do and I feel like there isn't any time left.  I want to become more proficient on my instrument, and provide a kick-ass recital.  I want to do really well in my Shakespeare, Eastern European and American Portraits classes.  I also want to become more active in the Asian-American community at school, and to become more knowledgeable in my own culture, and my own identity.  I want to hang out with people who I haven't seen in a long time, but I also want to keep hanging out with the people I've been seeing for a long time.  I want to get back on the exercise train and try to lose more weight.  I want to do all of these things, and it's becoming a matter of what I want to do most.

I think what I have to do is to simply step back and let things happen the way they will.  I have to tell myself that I still have one semester to do all of these things, and that whatever happens will happen.  I think I feel like I've only really gotten the hang of college in the last year or so, and so I feel like I need to do EVERYTHING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET.  What I really should be doing is to be thankful for all of the experiences and opportunities that my University has given me, and to make sure that I learn from my endeavors and become a better person because of them.  I'm finally at a place where I can think about these things, and to not dwell on the past or the future.  I just need to keep taking things as they come, and to enjoy everything from beginning to end.  Bill Clinton said in his lecture yesterday that, "Pessimism is a shortcut to disappointment."  I just need to keep this in mind as I traverse through the many paths of life, and know that in the end I will end up successful, no matter what I eventually wind up doing.

HA, you thought this was going to be an entirely depressing post, didn't you?  Well the joke's on you.

Week 4 (ish... again)

Week four started off great.  Went out running (pushed myself and went in spurts of 90 second running, then walking instead of 60 sec. of running).  However... the pain in my knee and upper leg area persisted... After talking to my mom, we decided not to really push it and to see what would happen if I were to go on the elliptical.

Which never happened, but that's a story for later.

Tuesday was good as well... I went to the gym and pushed myself on the weights.  I need to find someone to work out with me in the mornings, because I feel like I want to bench press... but I don't have anyone to spot me... Therefore I'm cautious.  And if I'm cautious, then I won't push myself.  You get the point.  Anyway, I worked out my upper body and stuff, and that was all good.

Wednesday I didn't go... for some reason.  I can't quite remember...  I think I had some like bullshit reason that I had to let my knee rest.  Thursday and Friday I was super busy with DePauw Discourse stuff (we had Yo-Yo Ma come and give a bunch of lectures and masterclasses!  That is a blog post in and of itself... to come soon).

Total pounds lost: 0.  At least I haven't gained any, right?

I am going to be making more of an effort to work out - even with my super busy week ahead.  Two exams and a presentation - let's gooooo!

Weeks 2 and 3 (or rather, a feeble attempt at said weeks...)

I should be marking my fourth week of full exercise.

However, I am not.

At least for last week, my knee bothering me kept me from running Monday and Wednesday... I lifted weights on Thursday, and resumed running on Friday.  My knee seems very opposed to the idea of doing work... It's kind of like the rebellious teenager, pushing back on the authority of my brain and lashing out.  Now it seems much more willing, but only time will tell.  Poundage lost during last week: 1.

This week I was determined to start off on a good streak.  I went running on Monday and felt really good about it.  I went and lifted weights on Tuesday and felt really good about it.

And then Wednesday hit.

I have no idea what happened to me on that morning, but my body REFUSED to wake up.  It was like my body all of a sudden rebelled against my brain and said "screw you, I'm going to sleep."  Which I did.  Luckily (or unluckily, I should say), my running partner Jordan was feeling sick, so he didn't go either.

I did go to the gym on Thursday though, so there's that.  But I didn't go running on Friday, for much of the same reason as Wednesday.  Poundage lost: 1.

I'm trying to go up a step in my running process.  I had previously been jogging for 60 seconds and walking for 90 seconds for 20 minutes, as a kind of low-intensity regimen.  The next step in the program is reversing it... jogging for 90 seconds and walking for 60.  I think I'll try that tomorrow and see how I feel.  Running has been getting steadily easier and easier for me, and I think it may be time to add on a little more intensity.

So yeah.  I'm kind of excited, and I'm trying to get back into the motivation that I had at the beginning of the year.  It's hard work, but I'm trying to think long term, and not just "omg i werked out for like 5 min y am i not skinny yet???????!!?!?!1"

Which is hard.

See ya!

Week 1 of Exercise

Whoooooooo....

Monday I went out running with my roommate.  I'm on what's called a "couch to 5k" running plan, which is a 9 week program that starts off easy(ish) and gets incrementally harder with each week.  The starting week was a 20 min. session of jogging for a minute and walking for 90 seconds.

Actually it started off well, and as the run progressed and I got more and more tired, every time I felt like I was about to die my roommate would be like "ok, stop."

I assume this means that that's the right level for me to start off with.

After the run I felt so sick.  I was just sitting in my room and trying to stretch everything out and fighting the pangs of nausea and lightheadedness.  Then I went to take a shower, and started feeling better.

Then I went to go lay down.

Actually though, once I did that I started feeling MUCH better... And as I went through the day, I found that I was a lot more energetic and alert than I would have been (probably).

It also might have been the huge cup of coffee that I drank, but I'm telling myself it's the run.

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Wednesday marked day 2 of running.  I should probs mention that Monday evening and most of Tuesday my leg muscles were BURNING.  It was not fun (although it felt good to know that I was working my muscles).

Wednesday morning we went out again, for the same duration of time.  However, I found myself running faster and getting less winded as we stopped.  This would, in fact, turn and bite me in my rear-end, but at the time I thought "ooh, look at me!  Size 26 waist in NO TIME!" (might be an exaggeration).

About halfway through the run I start FEELING IT.  Like holy crap.  I should also mention that we aren't running on like a track or treadmill, but an actual hilly trail.

And the way back is uphill.

Anyway, I about die on my way back, and I feel even MORE sick than on Monday, which is good because I ran faster and stuff, but I was basically holding back from throwing up...

And then cue some more of feeling good for the day, blablablabla until later that night when my knee starts aching something FIERCE.  Like not strain ache, but like bones rubbing together ache.  I went out to buy a knee brace and stuff, and it's only now getting better.  Needless to say that I didn't go out running on Friday.

But it's ok!  I'm not like beating myself up about it, and I'm actually pretty excited to go out again once my knee gets better (which'll be on Monday.  I've decided).

I also lost 5 pounds!  I was like oh my god!  It was great.

I'm quite proud of myself for actually having the motivation to WANT to stick to something like this!  I think it's a mark of my shift in needing to rely on others to relying on myself, and it's a great blablablablablablabla emotional hippie crap that can wait till another blog post.

 

Bye!