Stuck

is how I feel.

Oh, hi by the way.  Long time no see.  Guess this thing has just kind of fallen by the wayside.  But let's change that!

Forewarning, this is going to be kind of a stream-of-consciousness type deal.  So yeah.

This semester's almost over, and I just kind of feel stuck.  There are so many things that I want to do, yet don't have the time to do so.  I have lots of work that I am trying to do, on top of grad school apps (please note that I'm not complaining, I'm actually quite proud of myself for handling this much work in such a good way)... And I'm just kind of frustrated by a lot of things.

First, my voice.  I got this cold, bug, sickness, whatever you want to call it the Thursday before last, and it still has little tendrils of sickness that's just kinda hanging around my lungs.  It got to the point that I couldn't say two sentences without hacking up half a lung.  And the thing was, these were DRY coughs... It wasn't even a productive half a lung.

It basically ruined my voice for a week.  And let me tell you - never have I wanted to practice and sing more than when my voice was in a shambles.  It's luckily getting better now, but with juries coming up and a performance where I have to sing loud and high, let's just say my voice better be in shape or I'm gonna cut someone.

I've also kind of been at a loss socially.  Yes, I have been taking more of a 'personal' semester.  And let me say this right off the bad - I ADORE the people that I have been hanging out with on a regular basis.  I'm just kind of frustrated because I see all of these people who I really want to hang out with, or haven't hung out with in a long time and I just don't have the TIME to hang out with them... And it seems like I'm always hanging out with the same people.  That was a lot of "hanging outs" and "hung outs" in a short span of time.  But whatever.  You guys can deal with that.

I'm just worried that my relationships with others are languishing because I'm being complacent... I'm comfortable in my groove, and my actions aren't necessarily indicative that I want to change.  But I really do.

There's just so much I want to do and I feel like there isn't any time left.  I want to become more proficient on my instrument, and provide a kick-ass recital.  I want to do really well in my Shakespeare, Eastern European and American Portraits classes.  I also want to become more active in the Asian-American community at school, and to become more knowledgeable in my own culture, and my own identity.  I want to hang out with people who I haven't seen in a long time, but I also want to keep hanging out with the people I've been seeing for a long time.  I want to get back on the exercise train and try to lose more weight.  I want to do all of these things, and it's becoming a matter of what I want to do most.

I think what I have to do is to simply step back and let things happen the way they will.  I have to tell myself that I still have one semester to do all of these things, and that whatever happens will happen.  I think I feel like I've only really gotten the hang of college in the last year or so, and so I feel like I need to do EVERYTHING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET.  What I really should be doing is to be thankful for all of the experiences and opportunities that my University has given me, and to make sure that I learn from my endeavors and become a better person because of them.  I'm finally at a place where I can think about these things, and to not dwell on the past or the future.  I just need to keep taking things as they come, and to enjoy everything from beginning to end.  Bill Clinton said in his lecture yesterday that, "Pessimism is a shortcut to disappointment."  I just need to keep this in mind as I traverse through the many paths of life, and know that in the end I will end up successful, no matter what I eventually wind up doing.

HA, you thought this was going to be an entirely depressing post, didn't you?  Well the joke's on you.