I am Psychotic

Caution: I don't know how entertaining this will be for you all - This will be a bit of a rant/stream of consciousness type of deals.  Sooooo if you don't want to hear me bitchin', then don't read on!  Ya dig? :)

I have often wondered at times if I was at all even the slightest bit autistic.  I have a brother with autism, and while I love him to death, it has been tough at times, even though he is VERY high functioning (I shudder to think of what would have happened if he was even the slightest bit worse...).  I was a very awkward kid, and looking back now, a lot of those bouts of awkwardness can be explained by some of the symptoms of at least asperger's syndrome (having a brother with autism and a high school interest in psychology has made me fairly critical of social situations).


It's probably not, and it's more likely that I'm just some kind of REE-cluse (not rehcluse, as everyone else says) that will end up as a hermit in the woods.  Maybe then I can grow out a long Asian goatee and change the lives of anyone brave enough to seek me out...  That would be the life.........

One of the things that I notice about my social interactions is that I can only handle eye-contact for a limited amount of time, especially if I'm meeting someone new, and ESPECIALLY during a handshake.  I know, I know, it's supposed to be "manlier" if you have a firm grip WHILST maintaining eye contact, but a small part of me is always going to be all like "oh my god what if I miss I would look so embarrassed... Ok, ok, you can do this... grab the hand, good!  Now shake it firmly, NOT TOO FIRMLY!  Ok, that's over wi- crap...

And no eye contact.

Now, normally that would be it.  Normally I can control my want to look away from someone and have a normal conversation and carry on a fairly successful social life (I think).  I can be myself (or at least, a filtered version of myself) and have real friends and be perfectly comfortable around people!

*side note* I just had a freudian slip right then when I was typing the word "comfortable."  I subconsciously put an "un" prefix to the word.  Awkward...........

Anyway, normally I can carry on some decent conversations.  Unless one of a couple things happens.

1) I run into someone I dislike
2) I run into someone I find attractive
3) I run into someone I have a crush on

After that, ALL bets are off, and I am reduced to a bumbling idiot.  Not only do I go into a hermit shell that I craft from pure aura, I seal it off by constantly looking away from the person and only giving one word answers.

It's a problem.

I also do this thing where if I'm in a one on one situation with someone, I NEVER know how to start conversations.  Especially if the people I am with are naturally quiet.

I am a good listener.

I am NOT a good talker.

Guess which one I am?

ANYWAY

It's not so much that I'm shy, it's the fact that when I perceive of something awkward, I feel the need to try to think of things to fill said silence...

EXCEPT I NEVER SETTLE ON ONE THING

My mind will just be a flurry of motion while I try to think of things to say, and then it gets even more awkward because the other person can TELL that I'm thinking of something to say and obviously failing.

Honestly, I'd try to provide you with a little example of my inner dialogue, but everything is just so scattered that I just can't.  I can't even remember half the sheiss that I think.

Yikes.

Well, this is getting a little long, and I've since lost track of what I was going to type, which is frustrating, because I think there was more I was going to say (gag me with a spoon).

So yeah.

BYE!

I'm Gonna Be Selfish For A Change!

Tonight I had my junior recital.

It went ok.

Just kidding.

I had a BLAST doing it!

Although there were a few moments while I was performing that I was literally going "ohshitohshitIreallyhopethesearetherightwordspleaseohpleaseletthembetherightwords...." over and over and over in my head.  Luckily they were.

And Oh My God you guys I was able to do musical theatre without looking like an emotionless brick out there!  :0

But seriously... This whole process has been amazing, and it was so fulfilling to be able to stand up there and present everything that I had learned.  This really has been a sort of culmination of my college career, and I'm glad to be able to do it in such a place where people not only want to come, but are REQUIRED to come because of recital attendance.

To everyone who was involved, Caroline, Keith, Esther, Marika, and countless others - I thank you from the bottom of my heart (god this sounds like an Oscars speech...).

I really hope that everyone who came tonight enjoyed themselves.  I really didn't want it to be another one of those programs that you fall asleep 10 minutes in and then wake up 10 minutes later and haven't missed a thing.  I'd like to think that my program was a bit more entertaining than that.

I'm so glad that my mother and brother were able to make the trip out here.  It was so great to see them!  And I know that I am very shy and they never hear me sing, so it was really nice to have them there in the audience to see what all I actually do with my life.

Well it's now 3:15 in the morning and I am thoroughly delirious.  Again, I had so much fun, and I hope everyone who came out did as well!

Byebye!

Musical Shenanigans

Today I had my junior recital jury.  This was a presentation to the vocal faculty of my proposed recital program, which is a half an hour.  It was a little rocky in some spots (and I'm probably just being hyper-critical), but I passed!

 

 

I am so excited for my recital.  It chronicals three years worth of experience, and three different teachers!

WARNING: Lack of funny imminent in the following paragraphs.  Proceed with caution.  If you wish to skip to funnier material, scroll down to the next image.

I started off with Dr. Kyle Ferrill, a man who really took my voice and made it go from, quite frankly, crap, to winning first place at my first Regional NATS competition.  I think it was he who first got me turned on to the art of the artsong (hah, repetition).  Without his experience, I'm not sure where I would be right now...

My sophomore year I had Dr. Matthew Markham, a really amazing, adorable man whose passion just exudes from his presence.  He took my love of music and helped me to explore what I really wanted to study.  It was this year that I really found that I love singing artsong, as well as exploring different languages and styles.  My program for my sophomore proficiency consisted of seven songs in six different languages, English, French, German, Italian, Hawaiian, and Czech.  I was going to have another one in Russian, but because of times sake, we had to cut it.

Speaking of the proficiency, I have thought long and hard about the results of that.  At first, I was as angry I'd imagine Pikachu after being cooped up in that tiny little Pokeball for lord knows how long.  However, after I got to thinking about it, I realized that the BMA degree was really a much better choice than the performance degree.  Sure, it was definitely a blow to my ego, but looking back at it, I really have no desire to do ANY kind of operatic roles in the future, and there really isn't any money in being a recitalist...  And here's where I may have, in my fury, jumped to a couple of conclusions.  The reason for my not passing was not because of any politics involved, however much I may have thought.  Looking back, and hearing my voice then compared to now, I simply wasn't ready.  Also, it is just a much wiser move for me to make, because the BMA allows me to mirror as much of the perofrmance degree as I want, and I also have room to not take certain classes (like opera literature... barf), and it will also allow me to minor in Japanese, a language that I have long had an interest in.

Going into this year was a very exciting process.  I was able to get Caroline Smith as my teacher, who is a goddess among men.  She has really taken my voice and allowed it to blossom.  I do not know where I would be without her.  It has been so much fun, and though I may be hypercritical of myself at times, she will never yell at me or get mad at me.

It's getting late, and I'm getting sleepy, so I really can't figure out a way to transition my thoughts at all.  I think I'll leave by saying that my recital is on Monday, March 14th at 7:30 at Thompson Recital Hall.

It will be fun.  And it's on Pi day.  So there will by pie.

In other news, I have been following this website called foodporndaily.com, and it really makes me want to become a food photographer.  Go check out that site and I defy you to tell me that you did not sprout a half-chub.

Ok, that's enough of me making a fool out of myself.

Bye!

Life-like Shenanigans

So... I should be studying my Japanese for the grammar quiz tomorrow, but I thought, "that's boring... Let's make a blog post!"

So here we are.

There is sooooo many... interesting... things going on with this choir that I'm starting!  It's extrEMELY hard to get 9 college music students to pin down a time to rehearse... Everyone is sooo busy!  I'm not faulting them by any means, and these things happen, but it just gets kind of frustrating.  I already had to tell one person that it would be too hard because of her schedule, and I feel terrible about it.  Here's hoping that no one else does that!  First (official) rehearsal is going to be this week come hell or high water (I'm personally hoping for high water, because hell just sounds unpleasant...)

In other news, I moved!  For you DePauw-ites, I moved from Senior Hall to one of the duplexes on Jackson St... For you non-DePauw-ites, I moved from a shitty dorm to a less shitty apartment.

As much as I just LOVED hearing the people upstairs of me "back that ass up, back that, back that ass up," it just wasn't cutting it for me.

And now I can actually cook for myself!  I'm getting off the meal-plan!  Tonight I made a delicious chicken dish that involved cubing a breast (of chicken, you perverts), soaking it in a mix of soy sauce and "Italian Seasoning," which consists of oregano, thyme, rosemary and sage (all that's missing is the parsley, right?  Har har...).  Then I sliced some onion and a couple cloves of garlic and put it all into my gigantic wok.  Then I put it over a bed of steamed rice.  It was sooo delicious.  Looking forward to more great food!  I also want to get back to baking, so let me know your favorite desserts and I'll make them for you!

Oh my gosh you guys my recital is coming up and I'm SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!  I was gonna wait but I just can't anymore - I'm gonna show you the poster for it.

Credit to Morgan Burke for making the poster.

Of course, it'll be super embarrassing if I fail my recital jury and then will have to be like "um... the recital is now moved" and all but you know what some people are gonna call me cocky for putting out the poster super early like this and they'll just have to DEAL WITH IT.

So yeah, you all should come.  That's the moral of that story.

BAI BAI.

Food Poisoning, Pt. 2

So I have food poisoning.  Again.  A little over a month since I've had it for the first time.  I've come to the conclusion that my body hates me.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that you're so hungry that you feel nauseous?  That happened to me tonight...  I ate a PB&J at around 10:00 PM and apparently since that's like the only solid thing I've eaten in the past two days, my body thinks that it is morning when really it is 12:21 AM and I need to sleep because I'd at least like to show up to class SOMETIME in my college career...

On top of that, my body is doing things to me that I shudder to mention on this blog or Facebook or Twitter or whatever else social media that I have been enslaved to.

I guess the bright side to all this is that I'm garnering the sympathy of everyone around me, right?  Oh, and that I've had two days of class missed (soon to be three).  It's like another Icepocalypse, only with my body!

...

Well, this is an awkward way to end a blog post...

Bye!

My Favorite Word

Shenanigans

I Love My Friends

I am sitting here writing this - amidst a bunch of drinking (all overage, of course...), and I am just overwhelmed by the power of friendship.  I know, it's cheesy... But nonetheless.  From hanging out on the back porch smoking hookah and watching branches fall due to the Icepocalypse to watching people of age do a power hour...  It's been a great evening.  I am so lucky to call these people my friends.  It's just really nice to know that people care about you, you know?  Maybe that's just because my self-esteem is so low that I'll take anything I can get, but hey, everyone loves compliments right?

As Dean said: "Here's your gay tip of the week.  Compliment EVERYBODY.  It doesn't matter if you like them or not, everyone loves compliments.  'Oh my gosh, that sweater is soooo flattering on you!'"

Anyway, I hope all of your nights are filled with "fabulousness!"

Friends are Forever!