Community and the Self

Ah, finals week.  The magical (or devilish) week that can make or break a person's grade.  I am fortunate enough to have only one of those dreaded things... So what do I do with my time?  Do I finish reading Shakespeare's A Winter's Tale because I was supposed to for class?  Do I look over my notes on Stephen Greenblatt and the critical theories and readings behind good ol' Bill Shakespeare's works?

Chuck Testa.

Instead I've been sitting on my butt and have gone through two full seasons of Community in about three or four days.  I am officially in love.

I have also been doing a lot of thinking.  Or at least, I've been thinking about doing a lot of thinking.  As I've been watching the show, I've noticed that they all focus on each character individually.  One of the things that is NOT present is that feeling of sexual tension (well, at least not that much).  Sure you have Jeff hitting on everything that moves, and sure, you get the Jeff/Britta drama, but the show succeeds in really showcasing the characters as individuals, and having the characters grow.  As individuals.

This idea is something that has been resonating with me for the past semester or so.  I mention in a previous blog post that this semester's been something of a personal one for me.  I really feel like I was able to get down and focus on all that academia has to offer.

However, it's not to say that it's been the smoothest of rides... There have been many a Friday night when it seems like everyone around me is getting intimate - everyone that is, but myself.

This is going to be a weird and disjointed segue (I promise it will make sense in the next paragraph), but throughout my life I have been so focused on putting others' needs ahead of mine.  I have always been that person that says "oh, no problem!" and drops everything to help someone else.  Well, what about my needs?  I am still willing and able to help people out, but I now recognize that there are certain things that I have got to tackle on my own.

This especially rings true in terms of dating (see?  I told you it would pan out).  For a good part of my college career (a.k.a. the past three years), I have been basically pining for a significant other.  Of course, everyone around me has been supportive, and been all like "oh, you will find someone - you deserve it!"

But I don't think I do.  Not right now.

I don't mean for the previous statement to be depressing at all - I simply mean that at this point in my personal development and social surroundings, I would be quite the disaster in a relationship.  I have often heard the following expression: "You'll never share real love until you love yourself." -RENT

Now, as cliche as that might be, it really rings true.  I am simply not in the right space right now.  Being in rural Indiana, struggling to find my social and national identity, attempting to deal with my body issues - all do not bode well for a potential relationship.

Not that I'm depressed about it.  Don't get me wrong.  As much as I'd love a relationship, I know that I really need to hash these issues out first.  Once I get in the space where I can love myself wholly, and not just in parts, will I then be ready.

I have long since recognized that I build my self esteem from my musical talent.  This is perhaps why I was so hurt when I didn't pass my sophomore proficiencies.  Once that blow was dealt, I felt like I really didn't have any defining or positive things to like about myself.

This is not how it should be.

I need to be able to look at myself, and accept - nay, embrace, every aspect of me.  Whether it be negative or positive, perfect or imperfect.  I need to be able to look at myself and see that "Oh, my skin is not as tan as it used to be - and that's OK."

I've been getting a lot better about it, but I still have some moments.

The important thing, however, is that I am continuing to better myself as a person foremost, and as anything else second.

And that's ok.

Stuck

is how I feel.

Oh, hi by the way.  Long time no see.  Guess this thing has just kind of fallen by the wayside.  But let's change that!

Forewarning, this is going to be kind of a stream-of-consciousness type deal.  So yeah.

This semester's almost over, and I just kind of feel stuck.  There are so many things that I want to do, yet don't have the time to do so.  I have lots of work that I am trying to do, on top of grad school apps (please note that I'm not complaining, I'm actually quite proud of myself for handling this much work in such a good way)... And I'm just kind of frustrated by a lot of things.

First, my voice.  I got this cold, bug, sickness, whatever you want to call it the Thursday before last, and it still has little tendrils of sickness that's just kinda hanging around my lungs.  It got to the point that I couldn't say two sentences without hacking up half a lung.  And the thing was, these were DRY coughs... It wasn't even a productive half a lung.

It basically ruined my voice for a week.  And let me tell you - never have I wanted to practice and sing more than when my voice was in a shambles.  It's luckily getting better now, but with juries coming up and a performance where I have to sing loud and high, let's just say my voice better be in shape or I'm gonna cut someone.

I've also kind of been at a loss socially.  Yes, I have been taking more of a 'personal' semester.  And let me say this right off the bad - I ADORE the people that I have been hanging out with on a regular basis.  I'm just kind of frustrated because I see all of these people who I really want to hang out with, or haven't hung out with in a long time and I just don't have the TIME to hang out with them... And it seems like I'm always hanging out with the same people.  That was a lot of "hanging outs" and "hung outs" in a short span of time.  But whatever.  You guys can deal with that.

I'm just worried that my relationships with others are languishing because I'm being complacent... I'm comfortable in my groove, and my actions aren't necessarily indicative that I want to change.  But I really do.

There's just so much I want to do and I feel like there isn't any time left.  I want to become more proficient on my instrument, and provide a kick-ass recital.  I want to do really well in my Shakespeare, Eastern European and American Portraits classes.  I also want to become more active in the Asian-American community at school, and to become more knowledgeable in my own culture, and my own identity.  I want to hang out with people who I haven't seen in a long time, but I also want to keep hanging out with the people I've been seeing for a long time.  I want to get back on the exercise train and try to lose more weight.  I want to do all of these things, and it's becoming a matter of what I want to do most.

I think what I have to do is to simply step back and let things happen the way they will.  I have to tell myself that I still have one semester to do all of these things, and that whatever happens will happen.  I think I feel like I've only really gotten the hang of college in the last year or so, and so I feel like I need to do EVERYTHING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET.  What I really should be doing is to be thankful for all of the experiences and opportunities that my University has given me, and to make sure that I learn from my endeavors and become a better person because of them.  I'm finally at a place where I can think about these things, and to not dwell on the past or the future.  I just need to keep taking things as they come, and to enjoy everything from beginning to end.  Bill Clinton said in his lecture yesterday that, "Pessimism is a shortcut to disappointment."  I just need to keep this in mind as I traverse through the many paths of life, and know that in the end I will end up successful, no matter what I eventually wind up doing.

HA, you thought this was going to be an entirely depressing post, didn't you?  Well the joke's on you.

A Selfish Post (amid all the Asian)

I am impatient.

This year has really gone off to a great start.  I am enjoying all of my classes (for now...), and I am finally at a point in my life where I am comfortable being by myself.  I have, in previous years, been pretty socially needy.  It's gotten progressively better, but even last year I was at a point where I would try to surround myself with friends and social interaction, at the expense of a lot of my schoolwork.

I am much more secure in myself now, and feel comfortable enough to recognize when I need to take a step back, and go do some work.  Minor victories!

ANYWAY.  This is not a post in which I brag about my life and how great it is and how you wish you were me (even though I suppose I kind of did... u mad?)

My housemates went on a Walmart run today...  And one of the things that they brought back with them on their epic journey was a scale.

I have recently been on this - not so much diet, but more meal moderation - kick in which I eat smaller portions of food more frequently throughout the day.  It's been going pretty well, I think, and aside from the unrelated fact that I haven't been getting enough sleep recently, I'm feeling better.

Which brings me back to the fact that I am impatient.

I started this plan on Monday.  I am at the point in any diet modification I think that I am expecting SUPER FAST RESULTS like they promise you on TV except that I haven't bought anything from TV so I don't know why I was expecting it but I am.

This results thing was also doubly reinforced with the introduction of the scale.

I weighed myself.

I did not like my results.

But then I think to myself "what are you doing.  it is barely a week into the semester. stop being crazy and just work on it."

I'm not quite sure what the moral of this post is.

To be patient?

To keep on keepin' on?

To totally give up and pig out on everything forever?

Maybe.

Bye!

Twitter as Educational Tool?

I was stumbling around Facebook late one night (ok, tonight... and it's currently 4:00 AM...) when I came across this article:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/social.media/06/08/twitter.school/

The headline reads: "Twitter Finds a Place in the Classroom."

The article basically follows a middle-school teacher who, instead of shunning the use of technology, allows his students to be on the internet, "as long as they're using Twitter."  As he lectures in class, he poses questions to the students.  Now, whereas before only a select group of students would consistenly speak up, he now finds that he is getting a more well-balanced response from the class via Twitter.

This article really got me thinking... Although I'm so much of a social media whore nowadays (I've got Facebook, Twitter, Blogspot, Tumblr, LinkedIn, and Youtube AS WELL AS three emails) that any article related to this kind of medium will get me "thinking."

ANYWAY, I got this off of a friend who at first shot down the idea outright, speaking of getting the children AWAY from their "extreme dependency on technology."  However as soon as I read this article I thought to myself, "huh..."

Sure, on one hand the internet can be a very sketchy place, and many people will argue that it has no place in the classroom, BUT:

WHAT IF we were to create an environment on the internet, a sort of safe haven forum that allows everyone to participate in an intelligent manner?  What if we then took this idea of a "safe zone" and applied it to people who are just coming to realize the internet's potential?

By starting in middle school, we would be able to "get them" while they are still young, and uncolored by the distractions that are facebook and youtube and what have you.  This would teach the students that the internet is more than just a cheap dick joke or meme-source; it's a place of discussion and intelligence.

Also, as stated at the beginning of the post, the teacher in question noticed that he got a wider base of response from his class, not just the kids that always tend to "dominate classroom discussions."  The slight anonymity that the internet (and in this case, Twitter) has given his class allows a lot of his shyer students the opportunity to speak where they may not have felt comfortable before.

And maybe, just maybe, by reaching out to the students in this way, we can see a change in how the internet is run, where facebook and intelligent conversation can run side-by-side.

Now, I realize that this is EXTREMELY and utterly optimistic and idealistic, but I think that by starting young, and by fostering an environment that is both safe and intelligent, these children might be able to change the way the internet is perceived (at least by a lot of America, at any rate).

Ramblings on Musical Elitism

I had meant to write this earlier in the semester, but life and everything got in the way.

I was in the music library one day making some copies, when I overheard a certain music professor "chatting" with one of the student workers.

On this day, the school newspaper released its new edition, and one of the editorials was titled something like "Don't Overlook Student Musicians."  It was a referring to the time that a certain performer (whose name rhymes with Bike Bosner) came to perform, and though one of our more prominent student bands was very connected to the artist, the University student board neglected to choose them as one of the opening acts to the concert (of which he had like 8, but that's besides the point).

As this professor was waiting for the library staff to retrieve something for her, she started perusing said newspaper.  I was making copies, and half eaves-dropping (don't judge me, it's the music school.  Everybody eaves-drops) when I heard the professor say something along the lines of "you know, they really shouldn't publish things like this - it confuses people and detracts from what music students REALLY do."

This statement got me thinking about the role that we play in the whole music world.  This professor is known for her... pedestalistic (is that even a word?  I don't even know) view of music.  And by that I mean that in her mind (and a lot of classically trained minds), there is a clear dichotomy between "good music" and "crap music," with classical music being at the top of that pedestal (pyramid, whatever you want).

This begs the question: What are we music students really trying to accomplish, in all of our educational endeavors?  It is no secret that classical music is a slowly dying art, associated mainly with old people and those who are perhaps not as apt socially.  And Asians.  Are we to continue this trend of slowly emptying concert halls and bankrupt symphonies forever?

The whole point of music is to ENJOY oneself.  Just as there is a time and place for Shostakovich's 6th Symphony, so too is there room for Justin Bieber's "Baby."  Art is art, expression is expression.  It is just that people who are along the vein of J-biebs is simply a bit EASIER to "appreciate," so to speak.

This is starting to sound like an entire (boring) dissertation, so I'll stop soon... I only want to point out that while there are people who like to stay soundly in their own worlds, such as this professor or Sir Bieber, there are a great amount of people looking to bridge the gap betweenclassical and "mainstream" music.  Youtube musicians Paul Dateh and Jason Yang are both classically trained violinists, yet they are branching out and exploring the worlds of hip hop and pop, while still keeping the integrity of their instruments, and especially with Mr. Dateh, adds little "hints" and easter eggs of classical riffs into his music.

So I guess what I'm saying is, instead of perpetuating the dichotomy, and resisting change, to try to incorporate different aspects into one's work.  Being one-dimensional is so boring.  I can appreciate just about anything from Lady Gaga to Samuel Barber, and I feel that I am better off because of it.

Gosh this became so rambly... Apologies, but please let me know what you think.  These are just things that I've experienced and are my opinons on the matter.